The Eternal Times — July 8, 2016
A supernatural avian structure bridging the Milky Way was reportedly observed at around midnight last night according to Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency officials. The report has led authorities to believe that the reuniting of the celestial couple, Ori Weaver and Hiko Star, was successfully completed.
If confirmed, this will be the 20th successful coupling in as many years. The annual in-space docking mission can only be completed on the 7th day of July and only under clear atmospheric weather conditions with zero precipitation. The Japan Meteorological Agency reported relatively heavy cloud coverage but no precipitation in the Kanto region during the night.
The occurrence of rain or dense fog can create storm conditions that could prevent the flocks of magpies from making the journey to the Milky Way. The birds are the only means by which a bridge can be provided for the enamored couple to cross over the torrential Heavenly River.
Tentei, God of the Universe ordered the separation of Weaver and Star a millennium ago as punishment for having neglected their official duties.
The couple has repeatedly appealed the royal decree claiming that it is excessive and inhumane and therefore should be ruled unconstitutional. Public opinion has always supported the couple’s claim, but until now Tentei has refused to grant clemency.
A spokesman for the supreme ruler said that the annual one-night pardon is a sufficiently generous concession. He added that any further pardon would present a poor example for other celestial workers.
Conservatives have long maintained that a pardon of any sort would be tantamount to a condoning of such immoral indulgence and thereby present a direct threat to both traditional marriage and the traditional work ethic.