The Late Show – 30 June, 2017
Stephen Colbert’s opening monologue

Here’s the Youtube clip followed by my transcription to be used for an advanced class in Contemporary American Politics.

I’m going to say something right now that I didn’t think was possible, anymore.
I am shocked by something Donald Trump said.

I thought by now, after five months of this,
that my soul had calcified into a crouton.

Not true, because today, the president…of the United States tweeted:
“I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don’t watch anymore).
Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came..
…to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year’s Eve, and insisted on joining me.
She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!”

Where to begin?
Haha..It’s a buffet of shit.

Uh…First of all…a steam table. A steam table as it were.
First of all, someone bleeding badly at your door and you say “No”!
It sounds like your healthcare plan.

I mean, turning them away from your hotel during the middle of winter
is literally the story of Christmas. Only there wasn’t a wise man in sight.
This is shocking and vicious; so on brand!

And, the reviews are in:
LA Times:
“Another day, another vulgar Trump tweet.
The president clearly isn’t learning on the job.”
Vulgar. Crude. A new low.”
No. No, it’s the same low.

We’re at a cruising altitude of like the bottom of the Mariana Trench,
right now.
There are giant squid looking down at America right now.

Of course, Mika responded with her own tweet today;
A picture of a Cheerios box and; “Made for little hands.”

Really Mika? Really Mika?
Making fun of the size of his hands?
I’m more worried about the size of his brain at this point.

Of course, this is shocking to everyone who is not employed by Donald Trump.
Republican fan Ben Sasse just tweeted,
“Please just stop. This isn’t normal…”

And Lindsey Graham tweeted,
“Mr. President your tweet was beneath the office
and represents what is wrong with American politics,”

Hold it right there Lindsey!
This is not what’s wrong with American politics. Okay?
You don’t see Paul Ryan throwing shade at Chuck Schumer’s eye job. Okay?
This is what’s wrong with the American President.

Let’s stop pretending…Okay…
Let’s, let’s stop pretending that Trump is the symptom of something.
He’s the disease.
And, the only cure…
the only cure is three-and-a-half years of liquor and bedrest.

Of course the First Lady, naturally,
defended her husband via her spokesperson.
“As the First Lady has state publicly in the past,
when her husband gets attacked,
he will punch back 10 times harder.”

Yes, as the first lady says, “When they go low, we go ten times lower.”
So, so, the focus on cyber-bullying is going well so far.
We just didn’t know she was going to be a super-fan of it.

And, you know who had the courage to agree with Melania’s spokesperson?
The president’s spokeperson.
“When the president gets hit, he’s going to hit back harder,
which is what he did here today. He fights fire with fire.”

He fights everything with fire!
And first he soaks all of us with gasoline.

And Huckabee-Sanders explained;
the president had a very good reason to go after those mean meanies on the TV screen.
“The things that this show has called him…
and not just him but numerous members of his staff,
including myself and many others, uh, are very deeply personal.
So to then turn and pretend like, you know, this approach is..uh…
I, I, I guess it’s kind of like we’re living in the Twilight Zone…”

Oo! I love the Twilight Zone!
Um, which one is he, again?
Is this the one where the little boy with no morals has the power to kill?
‘Cause it’s definitely not the one where the guy just wants to be alone reading books.

Oh, oh, so..scary! Ooo!